Snuffy Ruins Everything
by Shadowgate
Summary: To say the least Big Bird does not have a good day with his friend and nobody is happy over the downfall of Sesame Street.


THE FOLLOWING IS A SESAME STREET FAN FICTION AND IT MAY NOT BE EDUCATIONAL OR EVEN ENJOYABLE.

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

IT WAS A REGULAR DAY ON SESAME STREET AND BIG BIRD GOT UP AND GOT READY TO MEET SNUFFALUPAGUS FOR A DAY OF FUN. THEN ALONG COMES A LOUD THUNDERING SOUND.

Snuffy: Hi Bird what can we do today?

Big Bird: Well downtown is really looking hot these days. Let's take an all day trip downtown.

Snuffy: That would be great Bird.

THE TWO TAKE OFF FOR DOWNTOWN AND THEY WALK ALONG THE SIDEWALK.

Big Bird: Now let's cross the street quick.

BIG BIRD CROSSES THE STREET.

Big Bird: Come on Snuffy.

Snuffy: I'm coming.

WHEN SNUFFY GOT ACROSS THE STREET THE TWO WERE ABOUT TO TAKE A TOUR OF A LARGE BUILDING BUT THEY HEARD A SCREAM. AN OLD LADY ACROSS THE STREET FELL AND BROKE HER LEG AND HIP.

Big Bird: Holy shit an old lady fell.

Snuffy: By the big skid marks she must have tripped over my crap.

Big Bird: OH SNUFFY HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TAKE A DUMP ON THAT

FUCKING SIDEWALK? THAT POOR OLD WOMAN FELL BECAUSE OF YOU.

Snuffy: Well I had to take a shit.

Big Bird: You had to take a shit. Goddamn it

Snuffy: Oh fuck you Bird. I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Big Bird: That's fine because I don't fucking need you.

Snuffy: You're not a big bird. You're a big bitch.

BIG BIRD YELLED AND SCREAMED IN RAGE. 30 MINUTES LATER BIG BIRD GOT BACK TO HIS NEST. WHEN HE GOT THERE HE FOUND MARIA SITTING ON HIS NEST CRYING.

Big Bird: Maria what are you doing sitting on my nest?

Maria: I feel like a rejected old hen so that's why I'm sitting on this fucking nest.

Big Bird: Oh did you get into a fight with Gordon again?

Maria: No I'm mad because my insurance won't cover a boob job.

Big Bird: Gordon huh?

Maria: The bastard wanted Mr. Hooper over so we could have a threesome.

Big Bird: Goddamn Mr. Hooper has been dead for years.

Maria: Well when Gordon starts smoking Meth he forgets that.

Big Bird: What an asshole.

Maria: Yes he's a fucking bisexual tripping cheating no good motherfucker.

Big Bird: So what are you going to do?

Maria: Well being a carpenter I have a nice wrench so I don't have to buy a dildo.

Big Bird: Oh wow

Maria: Let's go get ice cream I don't care if I'm fat.

Big Bird: Good idea

Maria: Hey weren't you and Snuffy supposed to go downtown?

BIG BIRD SPENT 15 MINUTES EXPLAINING TO MARIA THAT SNUFFY WAS AN INCONSIDERATE BASTARD AND INDECENT WHEN HE TOOK A BIG SHIT ON THE SIDEWALK AND A POOR OLD LADY HAD TO GO TO THE DOWNTOWN GHETTO HOSPITAL AND WAS NO DOUBT SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF FOR AN HOUR.

Maria: Oh I really need some fucking ice cream now.

Big Bird: Me too because Snuffy is a Goddamn jerk.

THEY GO DOWN TO HOOPER'S STORE AND THEY FIND SOME NEW PERSON WHO THEY DIDN'T KNOW.

Maria: Where's David?

Store Clerk: I'm the new cashier in this joint. I just got off welfare and this job has got to work for me, GET IT!

Big Bird: Well I hope it works out for you.

Store Clerk: I'm just a poor black woman who commutes from downtown and I'm here to work my ass off.

Maria: Well that's great I'd like….

Store Clerk: You'd like what? You people come over here and get all the benefits and have tons of kids and us black folks work our asses off. You stay at home and make babies and your husband works two jobs. You Goddamn wetbacks!

Maria: Shit I can't believe how downhill Sesame Street has gone.

Store Clerk: Oh don't you blame us for Sesame Street going downhill now.

Big Bird: Ma'am you are very rude.

Store Clerk: You're a Goddamn freak. Hell I can't tell my probation officer I saw a six foot pigeon he'll think I'm smoking crack.

Big Bird: Your probation officer?

Store Clerk: Bitch what the fuck did I just say?

Maria: That's it Big Bird come on. I can't believe this shit.

Store Clerk: Fuck you all.

BIG BIRD AND MARIA STORM OUT OF HOOPER'S STORE

Maria: That fucking bitch! Sesame Street has gone way downhill over the years.

BEFORE THEY REALIZE IT THE STORE CASHIER DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEM OUT.

Store Clerk: Hey who the fuck do you think you two bitches are? You think I'm going to let you come loiter on the fucking sidewalk and talk shit about me?

THE STORE CLERK KICKS MARIA IN THE SHIN.

Maria: OUCH!!!! YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!

MARIA KICKS THE STORE CLERK RIGHT BACK. THEN THE STORE CLERK GOT REALLY PISSED OFF AND PUNCHED MARIA IN THE FACE. BUT THEN ELMO CAME ALONG AND TRIED TO BREAK UP THE FIGHT.

Elmo: Ladies oh my please stop fighting. Fighting is ugly and it makes Elmo sad.

Big Bird: Hey Elmo you should learn to mind your own fucking business.

Store Clerk: You red piece of shit get the fuck out of my Goddamn way.

Elmo: Oh how dare you speak to Elmo like that!

Store Clerk: I don't give a shit what your motherfucking name is.

Elmo: You're mean.

THE STORE CLERK PUSHES ELMO AND MARIA GETS PISSED OFF BIG TIME.

Maria: You Goddamn lowlife!

Store Clerk: You bring it on you dumb ugly ass fucking spic.

Maria: YOU BITCH!

MARIA HITS THE STORE CLERK SENDING HER FLYING THROUGH THE GLASS DOORS LEAVING BROKEN GLASS EVERYWHERE.

Big Bird: Way to go Maria you knocked her bitch ass out cold.

Maria: That nasty racist bitch.

Maria: Elmo are you okay?

Elmo: Elmo is hurt.

Big Bird: You should have stayed out of it.

Elmo: Oh fuck you Big Bird. You're just mad because Snuffy dissed your ass.

Big Bird: You little dipshit I dissed his ass to the curb.

Elmo: Ahh go back to your nest and jack off you loser.

Big Bird: Elmo you're a stuck up little bastard and you can go suck it.

Maria: That's enough out of both of you.

Elmo: Oh Maria are you okay?

Maria: Yes I'm fine.

Elmo: That new cashier should be fired from her job. She's nastier than Big Bird.

Big Bird: Fuck you Elmo.

Elmo: No you're fucked. I got to suck Snuffy's dick just 20 minutes ago bitch.

Big Bird: WHAT???

Elmo: That's right bitch you heard me.

Maria: Both of you knock it off.

THEY BOTH SHUT UP BECAUSE THEY KNOW MARIA ISN'T PLAYING AROUND.

Maria: I don't believe what Sesame Street has become. This is hardly a place for families or even decent single people.

Maria: Hey Elmo what's that white stuff coming down your mouth?

Elmo: You gave yourself a clue when you said "coming" ha ha ha

Big Bird: That's it!

BIG BIRD THROWS MARIA ACROSS SESAME STREET AND SHE LANDS HEAD FIRST ON TOP OF OSCAR'S TRASH CAN.

Elmo: You bring it on asshole.

Big Bird: Motherfucker

WHILE BIG BIRD AND ELMO GOT INTO IT ERNIE JUST HAPPENED TO LOOK OUT HIS WINDOW.

Ernie: Hey Bert wake up Elmo and Big Bird are trying to kill each other.

Bert: Ernie shut the fuck up I have a hangover.

Ernie: Well you shouldn't drink so Goddamn much.

Bert: If you don't shut up I'm going to whoop your ass like an unwanted stepchild.

Ernie: I'll press charges Goddamn it. Then you'll have a domestic violence assault charge to go with your DUI.

Bert: Hey Ernie did you know Elmo gives better head than you?

Ernie: GODDAMN IT BERT YOU'RE A FUCKING WHORE!!!

BERT DOES HIS ANNOYING LAUGH AND THEN GOES BACK TO BED.

Oscar: Maria you know I sleep until Noon why the fuck did you wake me up?

Maria: I didn't wake you up you filthy homeless piece of shit. I was thrown on to your fucking trashcan.

Oscar: You're such a fucking loser.

OSCAR CLOSES HIS TRASHCAN AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP.

Maria: Elmo! Big Bird! You both break it up right now.

Elmo: Alright we'll break it up.

Big Bird: Little shit

Maria: I said enough.

Big Bird: Alright

A POLICE CAR PULLS UP BECAUSE SOMEONE CALLED THE 911 OVER ALL THE FIGHTING AND LOUD CUSSING.

Officer 1: Ma'am I'm going to have to take a statement.

ELMO WAS ABLE TO SNEAK AWAY WHILE BIG BIRD AND MARIA GAVE THEIR STATEMENTS TO POLICE. THE STORE CLERK WAS FOUND TO HAVE OUTSTANDING WARRANTS AND WAS IMMEDIATELY ARRESTED.

AFTER THE BIG MESS WAS STRAIGHTENED OUT IT WAS 1 PM AND MARIA WAS STARVING.

Maria: Hey Big Bird let's go get lunch I'll buy.

Big Bird: That would be awesome.

ELMO COMES BACK FROM HIDING.

Elmo: Are the police gone? Elmo scared of police.

Big Bird: What are you afraid of the cops for?

Elmo: Because Elmo doesn't like to go to jail.

Big Bird: Oh bullshit you love being gang raped and you know it.

Elmo: Fuck you! You're just a yellow piece of bird shit.

Big Bird: If you went to jail you'd drop the soap in the shower like a little bitch.

Elmo: I'll bet I could drop you like a little bitch.

ALL OF THE SUDDEN SNUFFY COMES ALONG AND CRUSHES ELMO TO DEATH UNDER HIS FEET.

Maria: OH MY GOD THEY KILLED ELMO!

OSCAR POPS UP OUT OF HIS TRASH CAN.

Oscar: YOU BASTARDS!

Big Bird: Shit Snuffy what are you doing?

Snuffy: I just came by to say you're a bitch and I never want to see you again.

Big Bird: That's fine with me because you're an asshole and you ruin everything.

Snuffy: Well maybe I'll just go ruin Maria's relationship with Gordon. Gordon gives really good head.

Maria: Oh My God

MARIA FAINTS.

Big Bird: You lowlife. You fucked with their relationship, you ruin everything.

Snuffy: Fuck you bitch! I'm outta here!

Big Bird: Go fuck yourself in the ass motherfucker.

SESAME STREET HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER 'E.'

'E' IS FOR ELMO AS IN ELMO IS DEAD ON THE MOTHERFUCKING CURB.

SESAME STREET HAS ALSO BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NUMBER 666 AND THIS WAS **NOT **A CHILDREN'S TELEVISION WORKSHOP PRODUCTION IT WAS ONLY A FAN FICTION.

THE END


End file.
